We talk about you a lot. Its been a few days since Ive really cried and I guess Ive been holding a lot in by distracting myself and being so busy. It was actually all I could do, not to run up to the podium and hijack the speakers talk. It cannot be real because it is too awful. I NEVER get to make him smile with happy news, because all the news I sit and share with him is usually so fucking sad or me venting. I kind of crawled over to him and gave him a big hug. Thats how its been this past week. I just miss him so much., I could see the way his eyes were starting to form tears as he said to me, You just spent the past week talking all about Ronan in New York. Liam chimed in, too. Mission accomplished without having a breakdown. Period. Ahhhh! OUCH!!!! I, of course, look for you on every field and on every team. Holla! Ive been writing about your treatment, which has been hard. She wanted me to wait for her, to do our pies. I may have lost it last week which left me doing my normal screams and crying to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. I have had a blast and it is a healthy, good distraction. And that is all I want more than anything in the world. They so want to help with our mission and were so touched by our story that they created this show called Emotional Mojo. I went with Stacy and Fernanda to shop for your Christmas Tree that we are putting up this weekend at PCH. Shes a pretty big deal in the literary world and is a writer herself. Of course I am happy to see them but its you I want to see the most and you are never there, waiting for me with the 3 of them like you should be. A lot of my blog readers have been posting that you said you wanted a baby sister. Whats going on? Starr was a mainstay for numerous wrestling territories throughout the 1970s and 80s, capturing almost three dozen championships throughout his career [4] including two reigns as NWA World Junior . A mother doesnt survive something like this. I don't have any idea who that is." I looked up at Mr. Sparkly Eyes, and yes, his eyes still sparkle. I knew but I also knew from day one, that I couldnt do that. I had just lost you. I kind of miss my Ambien is the devil days. The whole, what am I doing thing? I know how much your heart is broken. I cant though. I love our little unconventional board. In bed? with that. I would like to rip its face off with my bare hands. My phone rang. I know tomake a statementlike that is a bold thing to say, but I can say without a doubt, she has saved my life. Walking in with it was easy. Cancer was everywhere in your body, but you didnt act like it. They stuck by me during my darkest of days. Because I'm still in love with you - ROCKSTAR RONAN I was in the hospital and I had this baby of ours. Mawahahahahaha. Our conversations area always easy and honest. A water for me. I was always so thankful for what we had. Especially when it involves you, which it always does. You are back now so please just take these next few days to just stop. Fuck. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. I was restless the night before due to this phone call even though I told myself I was just going to wing and speak from the heart, I still went to bed over-analyzing everything. Goodnight boys, Goodnight, Ro. I managed to say. He was so tiny and frail. I am overwhelmed. As of now, I cant talk about our news. I am so scared of having a still birth because thats the world I live in now and its all I hear about, besides cancer.. Not even her. No sleep needed. Pearl Jam ended the concert with Keep On Rocking In The Free World, and of course I sang along as loudly as I could while I thought of you the entire time. In a room full of scientists, doctors, researchers.. all there for pediatric cancer. I am so excited to meet this beautiful gift you have given us. Dr. Sholler gets in Friday night to me my surrogate runner and I am so excited to see her and have her here. This weekend is a busy one. I dont my hatred with meat will last, but as of now the thought of it makes me ill. Pie. No eating required. As long as you are the reason I am going, to keep things moving forward with your foundation, your memory, and your spirit I know great things will come from this trip. I say, Mayor Gregory Stanton for PRESIDENT. Yelling, Quinny! I miss you. It was an emergency last night. A little seal with the biggest eyes. Even a 45 minute car ride. I tried to get to sleep at a decent hour last night but my achy body and the thoughts of you, were consuming me. For those of you who have been trying to order some things on our Big Cartel site, I SO apologize. Nothing more needed to be said as those words were enough. I had an early appointment at The Fetal&Womens Center of Arizona. They may have gently slapped me here and there, but they didnt talk ill or abandon me or whisper behind my back. They seem to be growing by the day and that makes me so proud. I am floored. I let you think you were being naughty, just to make you giggle and to let you feel like you were breaking the rules. I may have had a mini freak out last night in our hotel room. I sent him a text. Mr. Sparkly Eyes - ROCKSTAR RONAN Tag: Mr. Sparkly Eyes Thankful for the opportunity to continue talking about Ronan, Taylor, childhood cancer, and the horrifically hard world of bereaved parents. This was not something I was going to tell him over the phone. I will get through it the best I can, just like I did last year. First things first, Ronan. The one of a dead child, due to cancer. Sooooooo New York!!! Taylor Swift - ROCKSTAR RONAN Mandy chirped up, Can you tell the sex of the baby today? The technician told her she indeed could. Because that would have been totally acceptable! After I left my friend, I ran to the store. She is one of the busiest women on the planet, but I so appreciated her taking the time to talk to me about anything and everything. You know what I told him today? Its just too perfect., Your daddy a.k.a. As frustrated and sad as I am, this just motivates me more to continue this fight. I was so thankful to get out of the city. I was in the hospital with your Poppy sister. I think you would have loved that name. Then the pictures just stop because no more can be taken. I just want to sit and cry, so I do. Guess what? I was wearing my most favorite Frye Cowboy boots that I have had for about 7 years. Everyday, she is surviving Ronan. I miss you. I can not wait to have an actual place to go to where I will be a thousand times more productive. I love you. Today, while I sat in the room full of absolute brilliance everywhere, I noticed there were 2 things missing. I was just happy to finish without injuring myself even more. I had no idea that I had little runners in our family! I miss you. May 9th. I am not thankful to that asshole cancer. I hope you are safe. "My darling, call the number back." This came from the man who answers every phone call from every unknown number that rings him up . Dont get me wrong, I am grateful for the opportunity, but its still very difficult. What if I totally freak out and lose it? They even have a COKE machine! As in, this is exactly what they would be doing if you were here but you are not here, so how are we doing the exact same things? I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. I miss him when we are away so much. Ronan. I was holding him and our Mr. Sparkly Eyes came into the room. This pregnancy/growing your baby sister is hard freaking work. Goodnight, Liam, Goodnight, Ronan. Quinn said. We talked a lot about you, about her son and all the things you are making happen in this world. Im so sorry for all you had to go through. I saw your Sparky yesterday. I actually got nervous as I went to not shake her hand, but to give her a hug instead. I missed you tonight, when we were riding in our old jeep to the restaurant. All dressed up. You dont have anything to prove to me, o.k. That is about the best I can do. I miss you. Of course it is a Star Wars theme. I cant even begin to think about a nursery. We had such an amazing turn out and I felt like I was floating in a sea of purple the entire day. I came home and started whipping up the pies that I had promised your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Come on, settle down. I hope you are safe. They asked if I would be up for doing Skype interviews with them, pretty frequently. I think that is appropriate since it is the day that cancer stole you. And the people that work in this building, could not be lovelier! I am sorry. I know we can change this. Where are you? He responded with In a meeting. I'm trying to get there as fast as I can. Diving into the freezing ocean like I know you would have. Im doing this, for them. She said alright and she would be there with me, to hold my hand. It was all I could do to stay in the restaurant and not flip the fuck out. An ear infection, counting my blessings! I know its important to them Ronan and I am so thankful for all the hard work thats going into this disease, but its not enough. He called me a control freak and told me to settle down and to start listening to my body instead of fighting everything. I am trying to relish in all the beauty of this but it is secretly making me hostile. I told him how he was pretty much the only person I listened to in this life anymore. Ronan. Im too sick to laugh. Ihave been doingnothing but spending my days with her, being quiet and still. I wont ever love the month of May again. How About No Expectations Because Nobody Knows.. Ive been living off of pie. Mother fucking asshole cancer. In my mind, Ive walked out with your costume at least 50 times. Miss you." AF says: July 28, 2011 at 5:59 AM. Then perfect your baby has cancer Ronan. Your room no longer seems so sad, empty and cold. I wish it didnt have to be this way, but this is the decision I have made. She never slows down in my tummy and it always seems like she is having a party in there. Everything is different. I just sat and cried into the phone. Ill bet if we would have lived here, Ronan would not have gotten cancer and died. I had all I could take. We left our friends and headed off to our new destination. Even if you dont mean it or dont feel like it. Hearing those words from her meant a lot to me. The fact that I still dont really feel all giddy and excited about this baby, scares me a little bit. Thanks Palmer Cash. Im a mom whose heart is broken into a million pieces because this little boy, was mine. I am as always, wiped out. Rawness. I am doing this to protect myself because I already know I am going to need the time. He was mine, how can that be? I sat quietly in your room for a while. Please, Ronan. Even on my darkest of days, when nobody knew what to do with me, they stood by me. I had my hand on my keyboard to skip it, but I told myself that today, I would listen to it. I tried my best. My week has kind of gotten away from me. I met with quite a few people and will have some decisions to make. Fucking cancer. It scares the shit out of me, for Liam, Quinn, and now this Poppy baby. I mean, I think your big blue eyes are the most compelling piece of evidence ever of why this disease deserves to have a better outcome. And how in the world am I living without him? I am thankful for the friends that are like family who will help us get through the day. Tomorrow is here, too. I am so very sorry. I will be your Rovocate for the rest of my life. P.S. Grief. I do know this. I called your Sparkly up. The little mannequin dressed up like you, looked just like you did when you actually wore the costume. Our house still to me feels so empty and sad, without you here. I grab my Ambien that I now only take due to emergencies. Holy smokes I was blown away! Either way, I dont see myself leaving it anytime soon. maya thompson - Page 2 - ROCKSTAR RONAN Not to mention the fact that he is deliciously handsome, insanely talented, and I could just stop and melt right here. Its been much too long. You with a baby girl. You didnt see everything he went through, but you saw more than most people. I often give her crap about this. I hope you are safe. the ideas would not stop flowing. My time sucked but today, I had nothing to prove at all. I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. How awesome would that be? Pretty soon, Poppy was on the big screen. How much you wanted a baby sister. I know you will be a part of her, Ronan, but not in the way I want or you want. Alright little man. I love you. Oh, that would just be because Ive been crying all day. Why so much today? I still think this baby is going to die, so therefore I am trying not to get too attached to it yet. I miss you. Does it start with baby steps while everyday, kids are just being murdered, left and right? The ultra sound tech could not get over her long, long legs. Finally, late last night, I started to feel better. I opened the card and it was from some girls that live in our neighborhood. Him: Get home, o.k.? Having a baby is emotional under normal circumstances. Avoiding my reality once in a while helps me get through the days that I just cant take living this life without you anymore. I went to the Pearl Jam concert a few nights ago with your daddy, Uncle Jay, and Char. The song was supposed to be on her original RED album, but her record executive, Scott Borchetta, did not think it would be a good fit for the album, so she released it as a stand-alone single to help benefit cancer charities. Rise and ShineInsomnia! I soak them up whenever I can, as much as I can. I have a ways to go. Its comforting to your daddy and brothers so this is why I stay here. "Rockstar Ronan" ~ This is where I go before I log onto my e-mail in the mornings, before I check my business websites or do anything . That will never go away. We didnt ask for much, Mr. President. show in Florida. I stood that way for a minute, while the tears fell down my face. I have a lot of dreams. We talked about New York for a bit. To me that just screamed how much your little lifeis missed by us all. I love you. As always, it was good. He tried once again to shake my hand and laughed as I grabbed him for a hug. I'm landing close to midnight. Then perfect toddler Ronan. Please. Just throw a few raccoons my way. I picked up Starbucks. He had read my last blog post about how barbaric the cancer world is. Im better. I dont like when I have to stay cooped up all day, not running around doing 50 million things. I am so lucky to have them all. This is the girl, who ran a marathon, without training for it, just because. Because they never gave up on the you and me part of this. Such amazing little boys they are. He deserved better. You were always are mini Pat Tillman who was going to rule the world. I have the best doctor I know in Omaha at the ER waiting for you. Poppy is developing such a little personality and at 7 months, is already trying to walk. My list came in my mind later as I named off a few things, but really just thanked him for being such a dear friend. I had a long board meeting last night. I heard her say it was a boy, before she said anything at all. We sat and caught up. We left our lunch feeling as if we had just come off of another planet, but were both so thankful for the adventure. You were supposed to be with me, for the rest of MY life. I told him to hang on, that if I didnt send this email, I would forget to do it. He sat. I miss him so much.. Changs Marathon is this Sunday. If it is, fix it. He promised to help me fuck cancer and Im not letting him go anywhere other than here, to do that. We had to get a picture of my fake training, for Palmer Cash, as they were my sponsor for the day. Like you are missing and not actually dead. I have been reading all of your comments today. I cannot imagine what that must feel like for you. But due to the fucked up things that go on in my head, I have convinced myself that if we had live here, you would not have gotten cancer and died. Throw up. We are going to go to dinner when they get home. Ive been spendingmost of my days in your room. I heard her mom call out her name. Ill let you know when I know more. Taken on March 29, 2011. There were sooooo many happy people, everywhere. I know you are doing these things for the RIGHT reasons and nothing more than that. This led to me sending him an email back saying in no way, shape or form, was I too harsh. February 22, 2011 - ROCKSTAR RONAN I love you, my little seal. I told her I knew. Sometimes not. The combination of your beauty and my sadness is more than enough, baby doll. Clutch phone to look at your face. I am still trying to absorb this all. May 9th. I wonder if that was a sign of whats to come. That I am sure of. Swallow pill. I have a few more weeks before I will find out. If that doesnt scare the shit out of you, nothing will. This will be your legacy, Ronan. Shes had it for a while. Wheres Ronan? I wish I could tell you it tasted as amazing as I remembered it with you, but of course it didnt. More than anything. Its raining like crazy here today. They kept coming in to check on me. Do I need to get on a plane to come home? Sweet dreams, little one. I do these things for you. Ive had to start thinking about things like what it is going to be like, when Poppy arrives. Oh, and I saw Dr. Eshun again today. Fuck. I think in the back of my mind a small part of me thought that I am selfishly doing everything I am doing in this world, for myself. I think the phone call went really, really, well. To say I am beyond disappointed, is an understatement. Liam has been going on some runs with me at night, but I had no idea he could run 3.6 miles in 30 minutes. It is being worked on and will be re launched soon as we also have a new foundation logo to unveil. My eyes started to tear up and I just said, Because I dont know where my child is. That is how I feel. I hurt badly from this and I only get to feel this on a small scale compared to you. I swear I stare at it all day long. If I wasnt sold on the name Poppy, I sure am now. I dont think I moved for the next 24 hours. A small part of me thinks that if we had indeed lived in this small little sleepy town, that you would still be here. Its one of my only drawings I have of yours. Its too much, especially at this point in your life., Me: But I always do these things alone. He simply responded with an, I miss him. I read his words Ronan and FUCK. I know he feels the same way that I do, that this book is not only our beautiful, tragic love story, but it is another way to spread awareness as well. I went to see your Sparkly for a bit. She of course made a ninja plan to help me tomorrow, go and find it. He asked if it was hard for meto bein there with her. He is someone you loved so much. We have been dealing with some *cough cough* technical difficulties. That will never change. I ran the lake as fast as I could with an injured knee from my previous running that I have been doing. Yes, it is wrong. Every year since you left when Mr. Sparkly Eyes' birthday rolls around, I always give him a card that I've made for him through my iPhoto with a picture of you on it. I love you, Liz. Thanks for nothing, White House. - ROCKSTAR RONAN That all I get now are beautiful moments in life. Thank you again, Ro baby. I wont do it. This is the girl, who is fighting with every single thing that I have, because I dont have a choice, unless I want to curl up and die, while letting cancer take EVERYTHING away from me. Ronan. I gave in after trying everything to go to sleep last night, and popped my old friend, Ambien. We shared some fruit and nuts. You can see the link for the website here. It is just all so wrong. I am kind of all out of ideas for boy first names, but we know it of course has to be Irish. He is a man that cares and sticks to his word. She is surviving all while making this world a better place. I had a little secret very important meeting today. I woke up around midnight, your daddy still gone. You know that you could have been in bed for the past year, and we would have all been o.k. With the little free time that I had in New York, I spent it with Rachel. They cant. How do I even put into words, who he is? I knew that planning this trip. It actually makes me laugh. I am not perfect. I cannot believe that this is my life. Ryan Star - Wikipedia I gave into it. I dont like being in our house, without you. It was a boy. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. For that, I will forever be so thankful. I found myself, on my phone, looking at pictures of you. Do not let him be taken away. I love you. Forever sorry. Having her here is going to be an overwhelming mix of everything and I know, we are each going to need some time with her, just the 4 of us. Depth. Instead, I grabbed Rachel and took her with me. Please bring him back. Im telling you, its all I can seem to do lately. Glenda says: July 28, 2011 . She told me she was sorry about you. Nothing will. Dear lovely little blog readers. on Do you think there will ever come a time when Christmas lights wont be blurry from mytears? Im tired. Im o.k. But the most important thing is he is someone who loved you so much, Ronan. I miss you. I have no way of gauging my feelings because I never know how I am going to feel on a day to day basis. Thanks to all of the amazing people you are just throwing my way, thanks to this blog, and thanks to the most kind hearted, generous people in the world, I now have a new home. Missing you. Sorry if that was TMI, but if youve ever carried a baby, you know what I am talking about. Its so funny to me how the medical community are just not big huggers. Oh, how you loved that thing. I knew where it was, but I had not touched it since you wore it on our last Halloween together. Ireland! I almost fell over. This totally brings tears to my eyes because I know he did this for you, and how proud you are of him. Secret Plan! I was getting ready for our little board meeting and I should have suspected something.. but I just chopped it up to being tired. They turned out beautifully. Oh, Ive also been taking the best care ever of your Poppy sister 24/7. I dont want anyone at the hospital, except your daddy and your brothers when the time is right and she is here, safe and sound. For that, they will forever be my sisters. I hate you. I know this but sometimes I like to close my eyes and just pretend. They are giving me access to all of their conference rooms, space, and my very own office with a door and all. If this baby is a girl, I will fall over. I dont know whats going on. I hope you are safe. Ive been doing enough reading of my blogs due to this book writing and I dont feel like going back to read about the holiday seasons and how hard they have been for me every year since you left. Ronan. Im sad. How I miss the simple days of chasing you around. It wouldnt have been this way, if you were still here. That is why it is so important to me to have most of my days, planned out. After the race I got a chance to meet some really lovely people who all love you so much. He knows that too. You two had a bond and almost a secret language. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. Marisa. on Nothing like some hometown love to kick cancersass. Im sitting in the parking lot. (but dont tell Poppy. She would fall over if I became a vegetarian. He was my best friend, the love of my life.. this cant be real. It is the pieces of pretend that give me a break from our reality. But truthfully, this slow paced living is pissing me off. Blackness engulfs my forever painfully aching body of grief. Her secret is beyond this world and she is the only one that can posses it. So I shoved the phone away and rocked myself as I sob and cry and cry. There is no way I can even fathom the thought of taking down your things and packing them away. I so badly wish you were here. Nothing is worth this pain. If it was not, things like this would not just continue to happen over and over again. You two had a bond and almost a secret language. Im not doing this to be hurtful or mean. I choose to live in it. The stars magically aligned for the worst reasons possible so your Fairy RoMo has been in AZ for a little over a week now. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. A few nights ago I was at my office working on my book, but I needed to take a little time out so I started to go through my pictures of you to make his card. I was hoping she wasnt thinking, Who is this crazed stalker with purple hair?? Ronan. I know I love it, but I also know it will never take the place of you. I finished the lake and my knee actually felt o.k. This was my idea as I knew we were going to need a way to get a laugh and some smiles on this trip. Your brothers. Ive spent about the past year, avoiding our house during the day, because I hate it so much without you here. Im begging your daddy to go and get me a pie from the store. I got a text from Carolyn saying to call her that she had some news. You know how I am about just letting things, happen when they are supposed to. You know what comes next though. Posted on December 1, 2021 Categories Uncategorized Tags All good things are wild and free, bereaved parents, Cancer, childhood cancer, Childhood Disease, doctors, Family, Grief, Health, honesty, maya thompson, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Music, Neuroblastoma, raw, reality, Rockstar Ronan, Ronan, ronan thompson, sadness, strength, Taylor Swift, tears . I look forward to hearing her speak tomorrow. Mostly it is still so painful that I find myself trying to block out the memories of that horrific time from flooding my mind. Im not sure what we will do. Im just sorry it fucking has to be this way. He said he knew it. Please keep all the other people out there, who may be going through a hard time, in your thoughts. I talked to Macy about my trip out to San Francisco for Teddys celebration of life. That destroys me. We are truly grateful to have him on our side. I love you, Ronan. A sleepy little town, where it seems as problems do not exist. I have to trust in you that your Poppy sister is going to be alright. Your day of death. Sweet dreams. The biggest reason of all. 2o minutes after taking that evil little pill and The exact same things feel so wrong and are so hard for me. "My darling. They said they wanted to help find a cure for cancer and know I would put it to good use. Ive been having flashbacks of the end of your days, off and on today. I got home to our empty house. Homemade crust. I was walking back to my car and I just fucking lost it. Mr. Sparkly Eyes - Page 3 - ROCKSTAR RONAN On Friday, 'Ronan (Taylor's Version)' was widely released for the first time as the album's 21st track For many of Swift's younger or more casual fans, this may be their first time hearing the song. While I was on my vacation in the Hamptons, I got that little email that everyone else got who signed our petition to turn The White House GOLD for just one day in September. You know how important it is to me, not to spend the money that people are donating on administration stuff. Your questions are sweet. Candice from TGen was kind enough to make sure I got to meet Dr. Sholler today. Well, thats the world I live in, Ronan. Not because he thinks I am wrong, but I think he likes to provoke me into thinking long and hard about things from every angle, before I take such a strong stance. Heres how Im going to get through the next two months. 4 boys but there should have been 6. Not always is good enough for me, as of now. Really hard in the way that I felt not long after losing you. Alright little man. Not sleeping well. I miss you so much. And guess what else this year is. I am so overwhelmed with every aspect in my life right now that I feel like a breakdown might be in order, just because I fucking deserve one. Quinn was over the moon. I asked her to just give me some time and to come in, after we get home from the hospital. This is such a pattern, him in my dreams, always when I am dreaming about you in whatever way that I am. Fuck Scooter Braun - ROCKSTAR RONAN How can we make this happen? How are you always right? I have not been sleeping well. I told them what I have been thinking. Which is why I may have such a big problem with being out in the real world now. I sacrifice myself, for them. Wouldnt every mama walk to the end of the earth to make sure their childs legacy lives on? I ended up waking up, and having a mini freak out session/panic attack which caused me to slam two Ambien and send some insane text messages to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. I couldn't take it anymore. Guess what? I said, tears still falling everywhere. on I Dont Know What To Expect When ImExpecting. Slow down. I'm scattered today; nervous about meeting with the doctor in San Francisco. Your brothers sat playing on their iPads and I was on the table, getting my little belly lubed up. I wiped my tears away and let him tell me it was going to be alright. THANK YOU. I had a super important phone call this week. As we drove to our hotel, I spent the majority of the car ride, quite, with tears streaming down my face. I let my body break down like it has been wanting to do. Of course my Taylor Swift playlist was playing. Basketball, Baseball, and Flag Football. And I keep reminding your daddy that yes, that is right, but it is also because you thought you were going to be here to help take care of him or her and be the best big brother ever.
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